I agree that some of the words you might find on some NVC feelings lists might include the potential to contribute to the speaker or the listener perceiving responsibility being outside the speaker, and that this is a concern. You can check any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to block spammers or other malicious activity. If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. My sense is that NVC offers both means and encouragement to "acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support, and that doing these things is strongly encouraged in the NVC community. The Art of Manliness participates in affiliate marketing programs, which means we get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links. | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. Straight Talk About Communication Research Methods. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. Likely, and I agree that most NVC teaching doesn't fully explore this. NASA said Wednesday it awarded $425 million to Boeing Co. for the agency's "Sustainable Flight Demonstrator" project as the Biden administration works to cut aviation sector emissions. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." First, I want to name the the idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC. Regarding hurt and injured I agree that these are risky in that they can be held as implying an agent who caused these. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. The idea of making empathy guesses in the case where the other person says no is also an example of suggesting something for teaching purposes that wouldnt necessarily always be done that way in practice. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Might there be valuable ways of using the energy of anger, beyond using it as a wake-up call? What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. Calling it a "second-level want" may make this excessive conciseness less likely. ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. As you discuss whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. Podcast #862: Heal the Body With Extended Fasting, Podcast #761: How Testosterone Makes Men, Men, How Saunas Can Help Save Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness, The Insanely Difficult Standards of Historys Hardest P.E. I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. What is metacommunication - Free Range Lawyers It is automatic. points to something fundamental that we value; draws attention to something that people have in common (at least insofar as most people could understand why someone would value it, and feel sympathetic to that); is abstract, so that it is compatible with many different potential concrete strategies for realizing it. 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There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. Id like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs]., Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a contaminated message. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. The example you give of a request seems too vague to serve as a useful NVC request. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. I'm feeling irritated, wanting logic that I can make sense of, especially when I hear that logic coupled to words I interpret as suggesting the violation of values I hold dear. The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. 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However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. We learn to communicate clearly and effectively. Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. I seldom use this sort of labeling anymore, and I think this is true of many NVC trainers. A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Id like to share some of what comes up for me, in reading your essay. Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. "Oh boo-hoo. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. However, standard NVC training doesn't always lead to people knowing how to apply NVC effectively and in a balanced way in the context of getting things done. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? All Speakers. Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. I appreciate the page numbers and, looking at these pages (in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), Im not entirely sure what youre talking about I see moralistic judgments occasionally spontaneously entering the conversation, then Rosenberg refocusing the conversations to something thats not about moralistic judgment To me, it looks like acknowledgement that people will bring moralistic judgments into conversations, but that we can keep returning to a non-moralistic frame. Cloud & invisible spam protection for websites. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. I'm not aware that Rosenberg talked about this distinction, about different contexts, different types of Talk, but it's something he seemed to intuitively know. In some groups of NVC practitioners, when any emotional intensity arises, this can lead to a shift in attention to attend to it which may last long enough to subvert the purpose of the meeting. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. Note to self: Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly transformative. So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. Are you seeing something different than this? You also write, "In my opinion, every time Dr. Rosenberg says 'I need,' he's really saying 'I believe that I require this. Again, no. What is Clean Talk TM ? In: "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. ), All of these concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe. What is important about something NVC calls a need is that it: Focusing on needs ideally tends to support: Ultimately, I think some core goals of NVC are to offer a way of thinking and speaking that supports: NVC is intended to support a paradigm shift in how we relate to self and others, and how we invite others to relate to us. The idea is to find a way to let go of blame and moralistic judgment while retaining the full importance of the underlying concerns that that blame and judgment was pointing towards. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. This is the "blame" that Rosenberg talks about. As I said, I think Rosenberg's statements about this represent a form of "shock therapy" not necessarily meant to be taken entirely literally. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. They leak out and stalk the conversation until they find a way to intrude I largely agree with this as the consequence of attempt[ing] to hide our judgments. But, its important to say that hiding judgments is not what NVC advises. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. Thanks for reaching out! Something acts as an NVC-style need if it draws attention to something that is wanted in a way that people are likely to have sympathy for and find understandable, and at a level of abstraction that supports flexibility in thinking about possible ways of addressing it. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. The other person is then free to express their reasons in whatever way is natural for them. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. Posted on . This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. For, example, if were paraphrasing in response to something someone has expressed (usually something more substantial than just no), we might say, Could I check to see if Im getting what youre saying? You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. Why dont you take our finances more seriously? This clarifies that we interested in understanding, not in blaming and doing battle. An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. Are you wanting the moral authority that would come with associating concerns about violence with something more weighty than personal fears and values? You write, "It's my belief that when we attempt to hide our judgments, they emerge anyway. These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. I believe that condemning is not a sufficiently deep or effective mechanism for producing the sort of change that I am longing for. You write 'the book's list of words describing actual feelings contains quite a few words that Clean Talk would consider to be judgments masquerading as feelings, including quite a few words ending in "ed": "aggravated," "alarmed," "annoyed," "brokenhearted," "disappointed," "disgusted," "exasperated", "shocked," and "tired," among others. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesnt guarantee it if you just arent right for each other. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. 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